watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize