We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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