i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
