i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
