Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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