WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
