She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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