In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
