We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
