I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
