I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
