just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize