that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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