If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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