Your mouth is God's brothel.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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