We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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