but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
