he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
