So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
