Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
