Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize