Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
i now understand why vodka
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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