Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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