I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
