I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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