Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
