when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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