How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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