I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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