Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize