I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I will pee on everything he values.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
