Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
