I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
