I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
