Cold hands, warm shart.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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