I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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