I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
