i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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