so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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