you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It's official drugs can't kill me
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
