I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
