one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
