im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
