I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Houston, we have a squirter
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
