God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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