Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I AM VODKA MAN
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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