Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
When are your genitals available?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
