I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
