take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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