why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
