masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
A+ Viking dick
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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