That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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