I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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