I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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