My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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