she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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