it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
