def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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