Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
