If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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