the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
