They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
