I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
